Platonic friends

Aaaah, sure. There are real platonic friendships. I know. And they work. But they are rare. Very rare. Very, very rare. Most platonic friendships are “worked out” to be platonic. Every guy knows the game: You like that girl. You like her a lot. You try to hook up with her, but somehow you navigate yourself to the dead end, the no-no spot, the hopeless position of being “a good friend” (if you have to realize that by hearing the forbidden words “let’s just be friends” I have good news: Most countries nowadays don’t even put you in trial and you’re fine bringing her life to a sudden end on the spot. And if her mother screams for revenge don’t worry – daddy’s gonna keep you save. Because he understands).

Uh-Oh, that’s it. But not for you, eh? Sure not. In futility you think: “At least I managed to become a vital part of her life. I’m still in the game. Now there’s still that one thing working for me: Time. Some day she’ll recognize how nice I am, what a good pick I’d be. And then we’ll live together, forever, in love.” Amen, fool. From now on you meet up with her and the 173431 other “time’s working for me”-friends of hers. And she either really doesn’t realize what’s going on (because she’s naive as a newborn little kitty-catty or, in other words, stupid) or she does know what’s going on, exactly, and enjoys to be surrounded by competing admirers (who, additionally, also are gladly there to listen when her rude, unemployed, stinky, unfriendly, uneducated primate-asshole-boyfriend beats her up when he gets home wasted every other day).

You might have already recognized: Either way the only satisfying solution for you would be to forget her, drop her, leave her to her other futile doggie-boys and go on living your live. Reality is: You’ll join the doggie-gang, not getting any of the probably nice things related to that term – neither the doggie-, nor the bang-thing. It’s just not going to happen. Oh, I forgot; Time’s working for you, eh? Fool.

So why don’t platonic relationships work? Or, better asked: How can platonic friendships work? And, superior as I am, I have the answer. You knew already, right? Well, here we go with the one-and-only platonic-friendship-requirement:

The lack of sexual tension.

I do have a few girls as real platonic friends. And there’s one reason to that: I’m not sexually interested. Out of one of two possible reasons:

1. It’s already happened and we’re through with that
2. It’s definitely never, ever going to happen

There you go. These are your requirements. Can’t tick both? Face the truth. Either one of you wants more out of this or no one wants to make the other anything more than “a person I hang out and have fun with every once in a while”. Wanna ensure a lasting platonic relationship and are not sexually disgusted? Well, you know what you have to do. And if you’ll ever hear the forbidden words again, just look at her and say: “If you gonna put out there’s a chance for that, otherwise you’ll have to suffer from the lack of my presence.”

It probably won’t work, but I bet you’ll feel damn good.